made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
