Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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