$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
