just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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