His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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