who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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