The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
