What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
