shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
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I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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