I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My penis needs a shock collar
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
