I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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