Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
