in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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