soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When did we convert life to cartoon?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
