My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
