Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
