As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
