Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
