dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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