a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
