Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
