when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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