Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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