I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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