Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
This baby is an asshole
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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