and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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