he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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