I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
