Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
