I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
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