How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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