I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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