Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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