Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
