Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize