The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
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