Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
