One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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