We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
