Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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