dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
