Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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