Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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