hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
