u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
