I can text with my tongue
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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