Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Randomize
