I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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