shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I think I just sharted jello shots
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