I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Randomize
