"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
