doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
