ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
