I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
