that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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