By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
