You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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